Lyrics
Oh, my God, how times have changed!
This girl’s either blind or completely deranged
Oh, the time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
It’s always been my dream to dance on this show!
Aww, maybe you ought to go back to sleep
Childhood dreams for me were cracked
When that damn Shirley Temple stole my friggin' act!
But the crown’s in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they’d win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha! Not a chance!
'Cuz I hit the stage, batons ablaze!
While belting high Cs and preparing cheese soufflés!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!
Oh, almost dinner time! Shouldn’t you be waddling along?
Amber! Haven’t I taught you not to judge a book by its cover?
No…
Oh! This is America, where everyone deserves a separate, but equal chance to
fail. I’ll handle this
Are you scared we’re on live?
No, I’m sure I can cope
Well, this show isn’t broadcast in-
CinemaScope!
I never drank one chocolate malt-
No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs
How many sweaters do you own?
Well, I’m sure, I’ve got plenty
Let me see, I have three, five
Wait, I have twenty!
I would say, «Oy, gevalt!»
But I can’t… I’m Miss Baltimore Crabs!
You’re too wide from the back
Honey, look at her front!
Wait, are we on Candid Camera?
Okay, where’s Allen Funt?
Do you dance like you dress?
Girls, there’s no need to be cruel
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
I sure would! I’m all for integration. It’s the new frontier!
Not in Baltimore, it isn’t
Can I audition for Corny now?
Mmm… I’m his producer, and may I be frank?
First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren’t enough, your last answer just blew it!
And so, my dear, so loud and stout
You’ll never be in-
So we’re kicking you out!
With your form and your face, well it isn’t your fault
You’re just down with a case of Miss Baltimore Crabs!
You may go
Uh, thank you?
I could tell, they really liked you!
Hello ma’am, I want to audition
And I wanna be 18 again…
How about you bow and exalt?
For I was Miss Baltimore Crabs!
Crabs, crabs!
Crabs!